Dreams; smelling, and fire

And another nightmare, two nights ago. On a side note, last night I flew a lot, I had a lot of massive landscapes in the shape of my parent's kitchen, and I distinctly and strongly smelled  pine scent... first time I've noticed smelling something specific.

Ok, so nightmare. A fire truck raced down the street, toward me, going north. I hated the noise, and felt some dread. I then looked up behind it and realized there was another fire, just like the one across the street in August. Even though that truck was leaving the scene, there were many others still there, just like before. The flames were huge, realistic, just how I remember them that night of the arson. But this time it was in four buildings instead of one, and two of them were much taller, meaning it was worse for the people up high. The hallways were all purposely set on fire, so no one could get out, just like in real life. People were climbing down poles on the sides of the buildings, they were jumping out, they were sticking their heads out the windows waiting for help, just like in real life. And the other two buildings were across the street, probably one or two stories tall, but flames just as big. I ran out in the dark in the bad neighborhood, but everyone was out, so it wasn't too dangerous. We stood around watching the flames, just like in real life. Unlike real life though, where I hoped no one would die, believed in possible, and then of course people died, this time in the dream I knew people would die, partly because the buildings were too tall to jump out of and partly because I already knew how the story ends. I had the same helpless feeling, standing there, ready to run and help, and knowing there was nothing I could do, my body twitching to do something, and yet... just standing there, resigned.

I woke myself up, before remembering I was trying not to do that.

Dream; Baby forest fires

I haven't had any more nightmares yet. Not since seeing them through that night and writing them down that morning. I did have a seriously vivid and amazing and beautiful dream of running away from a castle ruin in the Rocky Mountains on a train, and encountering three baby wildfires in the trees next to waterfalls on the way down. There was a boy on the back of the train who would have helped me if I had needed it, cuz I was definitely running away danger (and we would be the last train out before the fires closed the railroad, thankfully), but anyway I got distracted by the equally beautiful waterfalls, every pebble in the stream visible, every wave visible, every stream of water running down the falls lifelike, that I was studying it until I woke up, and the story never ended. :)

Songs; New ones I love to hear when they come on the radio

Just sounds so pretty.
______

This one needs a movie or book playlist to belong to.

Nightmares; Batman and daughters, Dinosaurs and dad, Storm bombs

Well, I actually think I have to come back to this blog. I didn't have motivation for so long, but now, it's almost about surviving, I guess. Because for the first time since I was probably four, I've started having nightmares again. Four was about the time my mom told me I had the power to wake myself up to disappear from a bad dream, and that's when I started to be aware of dreaming, and it grew into lucid dreaming. And so, if you can control things, well, first thing you do is throw out the nightmares.

I've lost some control. And I think I know why. My dreams are often a combination of images from my waking life, or things I've sensed (hear, taste, etc). But the other thing they are is a combination of feelings I've felt while awake. And now, I have felt true and utter helplessness. And where before I could imagine being stronger than I am, or safer than I am... that ability is gone right now. Everything has been forced to be more realistic.

Thank you James.

You know, I've had bad experiences with every James I've ever known? :) Anyway.

The helplessness is a new feeling, and it's in my dreams. Where before I could just tweak the dream and save myself or others, now my mind can't believe in it, and I've stopped being able to do it.

Last night I had many dreams, one of which qualified as a nightmare that I can't remember, followed by a second dream that was nearly a nightmare, but not quite bad enough because I was able to fight. The thing is, now when things turn out ok in the dreams, I don't believe it. I wake frightened because of what should be happening. Let me explain.

Last night the dream I remember. It was Star Trek, a show I never watch. There was a girl who was the daughter of that captain, who I saw a blog about the other day, a joking one that I'm sorry, I didn't understand or find funny. Anyway, he had a daughter. She was the product of him (human) and his robot wife... who was totally lifelike, I'd imagine more like Battlestar Galactica, which again I never watched. There was a question at the beginning, if this half-breed had a soul, and if she could feel. Later on in the dream, when this young teen girl was researching rape on the spaceship computer, it was revealed (as like in a movie) that she had been raped, and oh yes, she could feel. It was sad. Then some men came in and started attacking with big guns. Well, first they just told us to cooperate. But her dad, and I who was now her big sister, decided to sacrifice ourselves to save her. So we shielded her and took her to the door. It wasn't until she was pushed out the door that the bad guys thought we'd done something unacceptable. On that journey to the door, this father turned from the captain of star trek into batman. My dad. We pushed her out the door, and closed it, she was safe, and then turned and they started shooting us.

In the past, my mind would have handled it somehow. But this time... nothing I did or thought stopped them. The gun was pointed right at me, and someone with another gun pointed it at batman. And they shot us. Over and over and over, I knew it was hitting my chest and my head. And I knew in real life I was dead. And it was a nightmare. I've been trying to sleep through the dreams, to let them play out because somehow I think that it will help me, because when I don't wake myself, I DO somehow cope. For example, I walked toward them, grabbed an empty rifle of someone, and started using it to bludgeon the bad guys. I fought back, and you don't understand how good it felt. How necessary.

Dreams, they think, help people take emotions of the day, and process them into more manageable feelings. And I have been feeling these two things. Helplessness, and leftover fighting energy. This is why traumatized people are often angry. When something happened to them, they had all this adrenaline to fight, but didn't get the chance to fight. That energy doesn't just go away, and even years later they want to fight to save themselves, but they look around and there is nothing to fight. If you don't understand it... you start fighting your friends and family and loved ones, physically or verbally. I've felt that urge during the day. Like I just need to get into a fist fight with someone, take karate lessons, something. So fighting in this dream, it was so utterly satisfying. The problem is, I couldn't believe in it, because I have this new dose of realism floating in my brain, and I should have been dead. Maybe that's why traumatized people have nightmares; they are cursed now with too much realism.

The other bad dream I can remember... I've been having them every night, and needing to use the bathroom triggers them. I used to just dream I needed to find a toilet. Now I get nightmares. It took me at least a week to realize this is a new pattern, but it is. Once I noticed it, I had two nightmare-free nights. But last night they came back, and I had two. Although I didn't wake up.

I only know the bad dream of the day I realized I needed to start paying attention. By the way, last night was the first time the bad dream actually related to what happened, all the other ones were awful, but random and more about feelings I guess, than events or images.. Even though I wasn't in the theater, I'm really intimately connected to it. It's only by chance that James shot some people and not others. And it's equally only by chance that he tried to shoot some people, and tried to blow up others. He could have shot up his apartment, and blown up the theater. He just didn't.

The other bad dream. Again, there was more, I only remember the last bit. And that night, I wasn't yet trying to sleep through it and resolve it. I was waking up each night in a panic. We were working with baby dinosaurs. Dangerous ones, like t-rex and others that would kill us. I had to just avoid them. Mom could scold them and flick them with the spiky ring on her finger to get them to behave. My sister kind of could too... I guess I think mothers are tough. Anyway, at one point they gasped. I saw enough around the bend and up the incline to see a pool of blood. My mom told me, no, don't come. I'm supposed to be the omniscient dreamer here, so before even looking I knew a baby dinosaur had died. I came to look, and to my shock I was greeted not with a dead dinosaur baby (and baby still means twice the size of a human), but my dad standing up. He had slipped, fallen, hit his head on a table, and been unconscious. At the time I saw him, he was just waking and standing. This was my real dad, not a pretend dad like star trek/batman-dad. And he was in a large pool of blood that ran all over the room, he was covered in blood, and he had a hole in his head. I suppose it looked more like a bullet hole than a hit-the-coffee-table hole. I think I knew that too. For the dream, he was fine. But that new helpless realist in me knew that this was stupid, he had lost so much blood, he really would be dead. And that horror woke me, and I was pretty upset, too.

This was the first time I knew I was getting nightly nightmares, and I tried to go back to sleep and resolve the dream in a tweaking way, make it turn out alright. I did it, but can't remember how. It helped take away the horror though. So now I'm going to try doing that without waking myself up, just resolve them, even if I can't believe in it.

I have yet to dream about bombs, other than during that nap. A couple days after, while we were still evacuated, I was taking a nap during the day. I slept a lot that week. Almost like I was sick. And while I was sleeping, a thunderstorm showed up outside in real life. The sounds of it entered into my dream, like alarm clocks do, and were transformed into bombs. I woke nearly in tears. Since then, I haven't dreamed of that. But somehow, I suspect I will. That, and scary people breaking into my home, and other feelings I had.

I guess it's just part of the body's way of processing things, and I hope that by trying to sleep through them, I can heal some. But we will see. Traumatized nightmares can get really bad for people, more like relivings than dreams. I wonder if it's that dose of forced realism we get; we are not in control in the world. People die fast, and people die without warning. I might die in ten seconds. Other people have real impact on us, and no, we can't fight and protect ourselves from everything. Home is no safer than out and about, and out and about is no safer than home. There is no safety. Just odds. How can you dream fantastical stuff, when you dream feelings you have, and that is the feeling you have? But regardless, I beat the crap out of those shooters last night, even though really I needed to be dead and knew it. And it felt good. So... we will see. But I think writing down the bad dreams needs to happen now. Sorry, I might skip the good dreams. I still have them, lots and lots of them. But... not my top priority right now.

Dream; Shark

Last night my second dream involved making something I was holding disappear. It's harder than it should be, doing this on purpose. I told myself, it's a dream, so make it happen. But the cord would not disappear. I've never been able to do that. However, last night, I finally did it! I don't remember what that dream was about, but I do know I learned another skill.

The first dream was different. I don't remember much, but I remember waking up to a glorious day. :) I was a shark, and I swam a lot in a huge huge huge lake, in the mountains, full of colorful coral reefs and clear blue water, surrounded by green pine forests. Yeah, not a real place. There was also a building nearby, and something bad happened. I kind of morphed between swimming/walking/climbing human and shark and maybe mermaid. Point is, another shark was with me, a boy, and he loved me and I loved him, beautifully. And when something bad in the building happened, we worked together well as a team to help out. I loved the feeling, and then I started to wake up. On the verge of consciousness I realized, oh, this is a dream, and when I wake up, this lovely boy will be gone. I tried to think, maybe I have that in real life? But do I? I could not remember, and I knew that waking would be a risk. I held onto that dream for as long as I could, held on to that boy. Because waking would lose him. And then I woke, and I thought, now, what is reality? And I remembered. That boy is real, although not a shark. He is real, and he loves me, and I love him. And that was the best waking ever. To find that for once, the beauty of the dream is still there when you wake.

Yeah, it was so great, I fell back asleep, totally at peace. And when I woke, I told the boy about my dream. He liked it too. :)

Dream; Cooking frustrations

I was trying to cook a meal, a sort of Thai sauteed noodle bowl. But I couldn't. First, I couldn't do it because there wasn't enough room at home. So then I did part of it there and moved part of it to my childhood church. Just like at that time, I'd run down the darkened hall of mazes when no one was there, and back in what was always my favorite room to hide and read in, I began to cook parts of my meal. I had to travel around to the city, which was more of a wooden tree city in a forest, to get ingredients and parts. I don't remember a lot, but it was all in the local area and one of the tables was now a stove. Sometimes outdoors and sometimes in the church. I had to get butter, garlic, and onion, but when I went to the refrigerator it was on stage in the old sanctuary and they were having a weekday evening meeting, and I couldn't just go to the front and interrupt and get it. The female adminstrator from my work was there also. I was trying to boil the noodles in one bowl, and saute them in another, but I never got to it, because honestly what can you do without onion, garlic, and salt? They are important. And the vegetable portion of my dish was cooking in another location. It was just this huge spread out affair of cooking in many locations and being unable to get all the pieces and put them together. I never was able to cook it.

Recent dreams; 911 theme

In many of my recent dreams, none of which I remember well enough to record, there is something that keeps happening. There is a disaster I witness. I call 911. And it doesn't work. And I keep trying. But can never get through. Like in one, I would dial 911, and the 9 would change to another number. I keep wondering why I have it. Almost like in my real life, I feel overwhelmed and like I need help and advise, but I just can't get it or find it. Which is true. But who knows. Clearly there is some feeling there that keeps coming out in the failed tried at calling 911.

Dream; Crazy dragon and espionage

 There was a dream I was in one of the major big bookstores, that also had an electronic reader. Over the course of the dream, the books were all removed and the store changed, and I was told I couldn't read books there anymore. It was awful.

There was a dream that I climbed up into the top of my closet, which as a semi-finished basement room, has no roof and opens into the inner working of the house. In the dream, I actually got all the way up there, and discovered a secret exit out of the house, a small foot high opening. This was what always let the cold air in during the winter. My mom was showing me ways to escape. There was a cat who had come in that way, and had kittens. I found kittens in this secret part of the house. I tried to figure out how to escape if we were attacked, but the way to the opening was on the other side of a furnace, or the metal vents that go through the house I guess, and it was so hot it was steaming. So my mom told me I had to go down to the left (the opening was on the right) and go around the metal venting. I got down, and discovered that the finished portion of our basement was only half. There was the entire rest of the basement, unfinished, cut off from the rest of the home, secretly there.

I was also outside in one dream, flying over houses and practicing my mental flying skills. Because in a dream it's all about imagining the view from above the ground. If you can't, you can't fly. You have to see it in your minds eye to be successful, and that's the hard part. So I kept trying and was doing pretty well.

There was a dream with me and my sister Lee outside a big building, where we weren't supposed to be, but people inside would think we didn't know that and let us be. We couldn't see them from outside.

So I could fly.

There was also a segment where we were in a theatre. I don't remember who, or why, or what happened. I know I found some more powers that I have, but I can't remember what they were. Judging from the book I was reading the night before though, that I feel made an appearance in the dream, I believe I was able to shift my appearance into anything, human, animal, mist, etc.

In the last dream, I trusted these two men, and of course my sister. So the one I knew better took my sister, and I went with the brother, who I knew less but seemed to trust more. In order to get into the prince's castle, one had to offer themselves as a slave to his service. In order to even be trusted. These brothers had a mission and knew we needed to get in. My sister and the first brother first set it up. They fastened themselves in neck collars that then attached to this sort of portable lamp stand looking thing, but held them upright. It was purely for show and ceremonial... at this point. This was not the house of our leaders.

Some group came and took them away. Then it was my turn. I felt awful and helpless, but the brother with me whispered in my ear to trust him. And I did. The entire dream I always wondered if he was the kind of person you magically had to trust if he told you to, however in my own mind's mythology those people only have that ability if they actually are trustworthy. They can force you to trust them, but it doesn't work for them if they lie. But I never knew if he was that kind or not. I think I just trusted him and his character the regular way. So we fastened ourselves into the ceremonial collars. It was the same as my sister and hers, but up close I saw. First they attached around your neck, then to each other, then to the stand. Then you stood in the corner of this fancy red carpeted wooden hallway that took a step onto a bridge with windows and entered the castle. And we waited.

I still didn't know why, but I knew we had a reason for the good of everyone that we absolutely had to get into the castle, sort of as spies, but to help.

When the next group came, it was the prince himself. I immediately disliked him. He was young and overdressed and had white curly wigged hair. And he was clearly trying to play with the hearts of the many girls surrounding him. He was playing with someone's hair at the time. He was surrounded by officials too. Rich spoiled brat. I instantly disliked him and also feared him. What if he set his attentions on me, or tried to? The brother with me understood what I was feeling, apparently, and wrapped his arms around me and told me to trust him again, and not to worry. After that we kind of shifted to where I was slightly hiding behind the brother, and looking out over his shoulder at the prince. Because it felt a little safer on some instinctive level, although of course it wasn't.

The prince saw us and didn't say much, just grabbed us by the connecting bar and started pushing us into the castle. After the indoor bridge the palace opened up to the left with a wide five to seven step staircase. When he pushed us up that, I was pulled off my feet, too short to reach because the brother was taller than me. He wrapped his arms under my crossed arms and picked me up, to carry me up the stairs as he walked. He carried me down the hallway too. The prince was not exactly gentle. I was having a difficult time trusting the brother at this point, but at least he was taking care of me. And so far we weren't separated. And from all the other dreams last night, I knew I still had a lot of powers up my sleeve. Flying away among them.

When he dropped us off, I think we were supposed to wait with the ceremonial collars still on. I took it off, and he probably did too. The prince disappeared. I heard some noises and looked out a door to some huge cages. I mean, this was a huge area. Like a stable, but probably four stories high inside, with an open side on the right, and maybe a football field down to the left. I looked and saw inside the first three cages flying beasts, kind of like dinosaurs, but not quite. More like mythical flying creatures. I left the spot I was supposed to stay at and immediately went to them. I wanted to fly them. I was drawn to it. I headed to the cage, and saw girls inside tied up, but trying to tame the creatures while unable to move. I realized that this was not cruelty, it was the only way to gain the trust of the creatures, although it was dangerous. They were not horses. You couldn't tame them as you tame a horse. You had to earn their trust in other ways, and most importantly they had to relate to you. In the cages, they felt trapped. And so they would only trust riders who were also trapped. I was willing to do it if it meant I could ride one.

In the next cages there were horses. With girls trying to tame them, the usual horsy way. Then after those were lions and bears. I didn't feel too interested in those, but there were girls in there, one each taming their lion and bear. Different method from horses, but again, I didn't care enough to observe what it was. After that, the cages alternated. Some horses. Some flying creatures. Some other animals.

And at the end the cages turned ninety degrees and continued on farther around the corner of the palace. But that end corner cage was four times the size of all the others. And I knew that inside was a dragon. Suddenly my interest in the flying creatures was to the dragon what the horses had been to the flyers. I knew I wasn't supposed to be wandering around, but I hurried down to that cage. And found a young baby inside. He was beautiful. Not the regular appearance, but I'm afraid I can't remember it well. He was about the height of a man, and there was no one inside training the creature. I knew no one had been found for it yet. Because dragons were hard to train. The flyer and many of the other creatures were also deadly if you didn't do the needed tricks to relate to them. Or if you weren't the right person. But the dragon type of person was rarer to find, and harder to relate to.

I went to the cage, drawn, and when the dragon saw me, I tried singing to it in nonsensical words. You know, animals like the tone, but they can't understand what you are saying. Anyway, the dragon tried many times to blow fire at me and kill me. Blowing the fire out of the cage at me. It was scary. But it felt like... in real life I love parrots. And they generally like me. Sometimes people warn me that they are not very nice, and next thing you know they love me, and people are surprised, and in the next instant with no warning they bite me. I had it happen once and he almost took a chunk out of my thumb. It felt like, oh, I guess I don't have the touch after all. But I do because I still love you despite the fact you are just being you. But I don't. But I do? Anyway, felt that way with the dragon trying to kill me. I felt disappointed, clearly I wasn't right for it, but maybe it was just that I didn't know how? Maybe just the singing was wrong but I was right? I went back to the brother, who noticed where I had been the entire time.

When I came back, there were some horses... who in weird dreamland were the sizes of dogs and lying on the couches like dogs. Just two of them. I went to pet one, because I was good with horses, and the horse freaked out. While the dragon had not bonded with me, I had bonded with it in some way that made me more wild, had more fire in my eyes, that terrified the horse. The dragon had gotten in my blood.

When the prince came back, the brother requested to speak to him alone. As a character, I didn't know what was said. As that omnipresent dreamer of a dream, I did. So what happened was this. The brother went in with the prince and asked him for my hand in marriage. You see, since we had offered to serve the prince, we sort of belonged to him now, and it was his hand to give. The brother was asking for a few reasons. The main one for the brother was that the prince would never turn his attentions on a married woman, so it would protect me. But there was another reason, the one that would convince the prince. He explained that despite no permission, I had been drawn out to the animals, which generally meant I needed to train one, because it was a magic land, and the irresistible pull of it meant something if someone felt it. He then told the prince that I had gone down to see the dragon. Which got the prince's attention but meant little. Everyone wanted to see the dragon and be that special person. It didn't mean much by itself, although it meant a little because most people were too scared to even get that close. But then the brother told the prince about the horses terrified of me after they returned.

This got the prince's attention because it showed the dragon was in my blood, part of me now, which happened to view people. It had changed me in a way that couldn't be undone. And the prince was looking for someone to bond the dragon with and train it.

The reason the brother asked for my hand in marriage, at least the true reason that he told the prince, was that I would be furious. I would be angry and scared and horrified at this decision that I had no say in, that would affect the rest of my life. Both the brother and the prince knew enough about dragon training to know that this feeling was exactly what was needed to bond with the dragon. And just like the dragon I would attempt to flee, and when I couldn't, I would fight back. Just as a dragon would do. The prince consented.

They took me out near the dragon cage, and this is where they told me that the brother had asked for my hand in marriage and I was going to marry him. I tried to fly away, as my fleeing. But the brother knew I could do this and grabbed me before I could even get off the ground. He especially didn't want me revealing this to the prince or anyone else. And so then I got angry and started to yell and argue and lash out physically. The prince had opened the cage door, and in my anger I ended up falling inside the cage. Or maybe he pushed me. I don't know. I was still so furious that I didn't even care about the dragon. Not even when he came up and bit my arm, latching on. At which point I stopped moving. The dragon looked me in the eye, and tasted my blood. The prince explained outside the cage that by tasting my blood, the dragon could tell what I was feeling, from hormones, and would know that the way I felt at this time was the same as the way the dragon felt. When the dragon finally blew it's fire, it was again outside the cage, at the prince and the brother, and it was in defense of me as much as the dragon himself. We were bonded.

When I came out of the cage, they explained this to me, so that I understood why they had done what they did. I asked if now that it worked, if I could not marry him, and they said no, the dragon knew lies and would know. I actually had to marry the brother. And it was still as horrible as it seemed at first. I left.

When the brother found me, he again told me to trust him. He said that we still had our mission, and while he had thought I would be perfect for an animal, this was even more of an opportunity than he had first dreamed to hope for. I hated the idea of being married to him, because of course that mean sleeping with him, and I liked him, but not in that idea! And basically that's where the dream stopped. But I was able to get a little more from dozing after waking.

The prince explained to me later that the reason he played with girls was that it gave them the feeling needed to relate to the horses. He never slept with them. He told me that the feeling of fear and more than that, anger, of being in a situation one didn't want, made me relate to the dragon. He did play with my hair, and he said the fact it didn't make me feel crazy about him, but hate him more, made me perfect for the dragon. I begged again to not marry the brother, and he asked why not, because I did like him, and I trusted him enough to be a slave to the prince, which was true. I told him I couldn't imagine doing the married things with the brother. The prince then rubbed my hand and arm, put his hand on my hip, and got very close to my mouth, and I didn't fight him away, and he told me, see, all women if given time can be seduced. So don't worry about that. The brother will know what to do. You should be worried about his character more than the chemistry. The prince then said I was feeling what was needed for horses and got a little closer and more pushy than I liked, and it scared me and I screamed and fought him off, and he said, now the dragon will smell the fear and anger again on your blood, otherwise a second ago it would have killed you. Then he left me.

And yeah. The brother explained that we needed me, with my flying and other super skills, and the dragon, in order to save what we needed to save. He hadn't told me yet. But I did trust him, and know that he was good, and I did feel safe with him. And knew it was good to marry him, but it still made me furious I had no say in it.

Dream; Four nations

We were all part of some sort of theatre or dance group. And then we split up into four groups. Those four groups each had a leader, someone who would then pick his group. Mine was picked, and I was glad to be part of it. Then we all moved out of the theatre. I started screaming that we all had to move, and leading my group up hill. They followed, mostly fast enough. We got up a hill and a flash flood came, from two sides. There was one more girl too far below, and the leader of my group and I ran back down to help pull her up, but she was swept away. As the water subsided, we realized she was still there, and we went down and got her, dragging her up just as the waters rose a last time. The other three groups had been down below, only I had known danger was coming. Somehow someone must have survived, because the four groups then became four families or villages, from here on out they would become their own little tribes and maybe eventually nations. I then left one day to visit one of the other groups. At this time, my real life mother was the queen of our group. But when in the threatre people had been picked, they had just randomly picked, not thinking about the future, so a different leader had picked my father. I went down to visit him. He was very sad, but for some reason refused my invitation to reunite with my mom. He was the king of that land, and I think both of them just felt a kind of loyalty to their people, and couldn't walk away from their responsibilities. They were very sad. I left to try to find a way to fix it. One of the boy from my dad's people came with me. He had been in the threatre. He was a big fellow, with a square face, and young. He wasn't good looking at all, but he felt safe and protective and kind. We went. The dream got really beautiful at this point. We went into a forest with a long wooden covered bridge running the length of the river. Kind of a boardwalk. A very beautiful girl came up to me at this point, with a sword, to rob us. I fought her and quickly took the sword from her and was using it to hold her at bay. Turns out I had a knack for sensing danger, and for fighting. This was why I was one of the first theatre people to be chosen into a group. As she followed, trying to get the sword, and me using it to keep her from getting close enough to take it, I asked her if she was an elf, which she was. She had a lovely face and bright blond hair. No pointed ears! No. She had green clothing on, and flowers in her hair. The boardwalk finally crossed the bridge, and I wanted to swim into the water. She was starting to turn loyal to me and told me best not to, because of all the poisonous eels swimming around. There were hundreds, relatively small things, mostly on the surface of the water. So at this point we discovered I also was like banshee in x-men and could scream and scare all the eels away from a directed area. So she got into the water and turned into a swan or a duck or a goose. Something. And swam around for me instead. We crossed the bridge and the lake, and got out. The trail had three paths from there. Two went downward and kind of straight, the other was on our left and went up the hill. I decided to go up. Oh, it was so beautiful and real at this point in the dream. I also was very aware of dreaming, and consciously choosing to try and sleep longer, wondering how much longer I could stay asleep. We went up the hill, and I saw all the snow and realized that a character from one of my past dreams would be useful here. The time I had been a girl who could control water. But I couldn't get myself to become her. Soon though she came into the dream. She had mousy brown/grey hair, and was much more plain looking. She also used the water clinging to us to pull us down a bit, just make us heavier and have a harder time going up hill. Mostly she did that to the elf. But also to me and the square-faced young man from my dad's people. The water-controlling girl was trying to protect the queen of the forest, who lived at the top of the hill. We finally saw her. She was the biggest tallest gnarliest pine tree in the forest. She was huge, with a root system at the bottom that was big enough to build a house under. She was very thick and straight and tall, with only a few young green pine branches at the very top. She was very old. And definitely a tree spirit. In the house in her roots she took human form for us. She let us in and then all four of us; young man, me, water controlling girl, and beautiful elf, we all trusted each other and became a team, and it now included the forest spirit queen. Soon some men came to fight us or her, I don't know. But I went out to them with the elf's sword and was able to kill many of them. I don't know if I've ever killed people quite like that in a dream before. Like I was consciously choosing to be the person who cuts throats and stabs people. Like a soldier. It was strange. Then we went back to the cabin under the roots, and stared around at the surrounding mountains, at the homes, at the lakes below (lots of lakes below. It was like a river had been dammed up several times along the valley, creating multiple lakes as you went along, sometimes only separated by a thick line of rocks dumped in as dams. I mentioned how the lakes in Switzerland are bigger, which was true. But still they were beautiful. Then we went to nana and papa's new log cabin at the top of the mountain. And that's when I woke up, no longer able to hold the dream. But I should have woken up at the theatre. Actually, that's why I can't remember what happened in the threatre. That was before my alarm went off, and all this stuff after is what happened as I tried to stay asleep. I really liked that plain-looking strong boy. He was a good kid.

Dream; Nonsense dream of feelings

Bri and I rode the elevator to the top of a high rise building, maybe something like a hundred floors. We both felt a lot of vertigo. A lot. Even without looking over the edge through the windows. We mostly stayed in the elevator, and felt it from the knowledge of being high, without seeing it. We were both working up to looking but never did it before the dream ended. The top floor had a pool and restaurant with a glass ceiling and two levels. The ceiling was all glass and a couple stories above us. It was basically supposed to be on the inside of the cash-register looking building in Denver. Bri kept acting strange, like a child. Very fidgety, laying on the ground, moving funny in seats, wearing casual clothes in the business setting of the rest of the building, other than the top floor. I was embarrassed because all the business folks were really irritated with it.

The two of us also went to Tom's new house. It was supposed to be painted blue before, but I found it was sanded down to be painted. He let us follow him, but we took separate cars, and he didn't smile, just looked really irritated, and like he was putting up with me in order to do his social duty of being polite and respectful to all people. Bri took the lawnmower over to the grumpiest neighbor's house and left it in their driveway, and I had to go get it. But I couldn't yell at her, or Tom would disapprove, because he is very patient with people and prefers I be that way too.

It was all kind of a bunch of nonsense in the dream. I guess it was more a dream of feelings. Feeling vertigo, embarrassment, irritation, rejection, obligation, disapproval.

However. Again. The city in the dream, while cities used to be grey and ugly and give me dull colorless dreams, again in this dream it was beautiful. I guess I had to become familiar with it. Now that I have, my mind is sprucing it up as much as it always has done natural settings. It's nice, because it helps me see the city as being a little brighter once I wake up.

New Laptop!

I finally bought a new laptop computer, so I can again sit in bed immediately after waking and write down the dreams again, before I forget them. :) That took longer than I was expecting (overseas trips and expenses from that has that effect), but it's all good now.

It also means I can listen to my music in my room again and dance secretly. ;)